Women's Point Guide for Men


In the world of romance, one singular rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects - sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car.................... +1

You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1

You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb.... +1

You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck pulls away.................................................... -1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish................. +1

You leave them under the bed...................................... -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings.................................................... +5

But return with beer.............................................. -5

You leave the toilet seat up...................................... -1

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty................. 0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....... -1

When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom......................................... -2

You make the bed.................................................. +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........ 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1

You check out a suspicious noise at night......................... 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................. 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something............... +5

You pummel it with a six iron..................................... +10

It's her father................................................... -10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party............................. 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........................................ -2

Named Tiffany..................................................... -4

Tiffany is a dancer............................................... -6

Tiffany has implants.............................................. -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly.............................................. +5

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump...................................... -5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"........................................ +2

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"...................................................... -6

That woman is her sister.......................................... -90

You have one drink, and that's it................................. 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle...... -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.... -18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet.................................... +6

You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............................. +7

You get rid of a dead rodent...................................... +8

You remove the collie from the thresher........................... +12

You take her mother to see Cats................................... +16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together....................................... +3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car.................................................. +4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar............................................... -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional.. 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............. +3

Most of it chips and beer......................................... -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.... +15

Or refinishing the floors......................................... +16

Or rewiring the basement.......................................... +17

Or adding a second floor.......................................... +18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket...... -6

And you're tickled pink about it.................................. -15

You visit her parents............................................. +1

You visit her parents and actually make conversation.............. +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........ -3

And the television is off......................................... -6

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear....... -6

And you didn't even go to college................................. -10

And it's not your underwear....................................... -15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner........................................ 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.............. +1

Okay, it is a sports bar.......................................... -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................... -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..................... -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player...... +3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing...................................................... +4

And you stink..................................................... +2

And you're not half bad........................................... +5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.............................................. -2

You give her a gift............................................... 0

You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance................... -10

You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance............... +1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate....................... +2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.......... +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........ -10

With her credit card.............................................. -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big...................... -40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely................................ -10

You forget your anniversary....................................... -20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station...................... -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey.................................... -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast....................... -50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal................................................. -5

And the pal is happily married.................................... -4

Or frighteningly single........................................... -7

And he drives a Trans Am.......................................... -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..................... -15

You have a few beers.............................................. -9

And miss curfew by an hour........................................ -12

You get home at 3 am.............................................. -20

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars........... -30

And not wearing any pants......................................... -40

Is that a tattoo???...............................................-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work friends....................................................... +5

She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late.......................................................... +10

You wait up....................................................... +15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20

She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed, but not before she pukes in the bathroom...................... +25

Which you clean up................................................ +35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together............................................. 0

You rent a movie.................................................. +1

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..................... +3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout............ +5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep...................... -1 It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool............ -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie........................................... +2

You take her to a movie she likes................................. +4

You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6

You take her to a movie you like.................................. -2

It's called DeathCop 3............................................ -7

Which features cyborgs having sex................................. -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and sheepdogs..................................................... -15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected....................... 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........ +5

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.......... +10

And she contracts Lyme disease.................................... -25

Your Physique ------------- You develop a noticeable potbelly................................. -15

You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.............. +10

You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts............................................... -5

Grooming

You trim your nails............................................... +5

You trim your nails in the living room............................ -10

You trim your nails and flick them at the cat..................... -15

You shave on the weekends......................................... +2

You don't shave on the weekends................................... -4

You don't bathe on the weekends either............................ -8

But then, neither does she........................................ +8

Finances -------- You spend a lot of money on something impractical................. -5

Something she can't use........................................... -10

Such as a motorized model airplane................................ -20

And your kid needs braces......................................... -30

In fact, all four of the kids need braces.........................-120

Driving ------- You lose the directions on a trip................................. -4

You lose the direction and end up getting lost.................... -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..................... -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.................................................. -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt.................. -60

The Big Question ---------------- She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................ -5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding........................................ -10

You reply, "Where?"............................................... -25

Communication ------------- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression....................... 0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes........... +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV.... +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................. -10







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