Virus Warnings


IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR SYSTEM FOR FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but, instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: once, if by LAN; twice if by C:.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.







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